I think automatic toilets are evil

I feel a sense of dread when I swing open the metal door to reveal the black box on the top of the toilet with the tiny red sensor light.

Because the moment I see it, I know it may work or it may ruin my life for the next 5 minutes.

Of all the toilet types available, I am convinced these contraptions have been cursed by demon spawn. No other bathroom product causes the level of mayhem that these toilets manage to accomplish every single time they are used…Evil, evil contraption.

When I enter the stall, I try to repress the anger. The first thing I do is reach for a toilet bowl cover to avoid sitting directly on the seat.

WHOOSH! Of course, it flushes. Already the toilet bowl cover is gone. It is probably making its way through the entire sewer system of the city by now. I try another one.

WHOOSH! Gone.

So I just give up on the toilet cover and try to accept that the universe is not in my favor today.

As I assume the position, anxiety grips me as I try to hurry out of fear that it will flush too soon. The toilet paper doesn't spin. It is wedged on a metal bar, never to move. I have to repeat a technique that involves a rapid finger roll movement to get any tissue.

Hurry, hurry, I repeat internally.

Done. I made it. I breathe a sigh of relief.

No flush.

I stare at the blinking light. Stand up. Nothing. Take a step toward the door. Nothing. So I wave my hand in front of the sensor like a magical incantation that will cause the toilet to respond. Nothing. After a few minutes of this embarrassing ritual, I give up. I start heading for the door.

Before I could react or even jump back…WHOOOOOOOSH! Droplets spray all over my shirt and pants.

Evil, evil contraption.